The Story of the US ARMY: Grape Edition
"Welcome to your new world, Goober!" my general said as he handed me my pillow and directed me to my cot. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I was entirely sure that I had made the right decision to join the US Army. Up to this point in my little grape life, the repeating false prophecy of my dad yelling "Little old Goober, you are never going anywhere!" continued to ring loudly in my ears, stirring up self-doubt and worry as I trudged through my new barracks, taking in my surroundings. I must rise above the ol' prune, and make my own way!
My mind was racing and my heart was pounding excitedly. ??? Oh! look there's my bunk-mate! OK Goober, its just another grape. You've got 2000 other grapes as your brothers back at the farm. Just relax, I thought to myself. ???
"Hi!" I said, way too eagerly.
He turned around, revealing a scar over his right eye. "PFC, what's your name?" he said to me.
"Uh, Goober," I said tenderly.
"Well, I'm Gruff," he said, sticking out his hand to me.
"Well," I said hesitantly, "where are you from?"
"Somewhere far, and hidden," Gruff grumbled.
"Well ya see, I'm from a small little farm in Utah, known as Knox Fruit Farm, and ya see my dad always told me how I wasn't goin' anywhere, and my momma was part of a 'No More Grape Juice Revolution' and you can probably guess that didn't end well, so she passed away when I was a youngin' so she never got to defend me. I'm gonna prove them all wrong about me. Y'ALL WERE WRONG ABOUT LIL' OL' GOOB!" I shouted, getting a little too intense.
"Wow little guy! Didn't know you had that good of a reason to be here. Gained some respect for ya from your ol' pal Gruff," he said, with a soft smile that curved generously around the wrinkled corners of his tough grape mouth.
This was it. Finally, my chance to stomp out my place in this world! **
*******This story was written as a guide in a minilesson on using dialogue to enhance characterization in a story through words and dialect. My students have been struggling to use dialogue to characterize, so I was trying to show them how to do this. Not sure if my attempt is very good, but I tried. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! My students helped come up with the idea of a grape in the Army, so I wanted to honor their request to prove that it could be done.
Angelene,
ReplyDeleteI love the humor and playfulness of this piece. I also appreciate that you were not afraid to take your students suggestions and run with them. This is a neat spin on the life of a grape. For the line "My mind was racing and my heart was pounding excitedly" you could try something like "My mind was racing with a commotion of thoughts and my heart hammered with anticipation" This could help mix up the language a little bit. I got slightly lost in the part about his mother. Was she a radical and therefore was turned into juice because of her defiance? Overall, I found this piece engaging and I think it would also be a good piece for touching on perspective and point of view.
Angelene, I like the dialect that you gave Goober. It works! Your first ???s are about being nervous. How about sweaty palms? Any funny feeling in the stomach? Or maybe I've misread the feeling?
ReplyDeleteAt the second ???s you could write I told myself rather than I thought to myself.
[I just read Blakelee's suggestions. Yeah, what she said!]
It's a well-done piece, and I hope the students enjoyed the process!
Good for you for writing in front of them!
Angelene, I like the dialect that you gave Goober. It works! Your first ???s are about being nervous. How about sweaty palms? Any funny feeling in the stomach? Or maybe I've misread the feeling?
ReplyDeleteAt the second ???s you could write I told myself rather than I thought to myself.
[I just read Blakelee's suggestions. Yeah, what she said!]
It's a well-done piece, and I hope the students enjoyed the process!
Good for you for writing in front of them!
Hey Angelene!
ReplyDeleteThis is probably one of the more unique stories I've read. I enjoyed the personality you put behind Goober. You gave it a light heated feel even though he was joining the Army. I feel like dialogue is some of the hardest writing to organize correctly. I think you did a good job of doing this while still making it a fun conversation back and forth. Thanks for sharing!
Cody
Hey Angelene!
ReplyDeleteThis is probably one of the more unique stories I've read. I enjoyed the personality you put behind Goober. You gave it a light heated feel even though he was joining the Army. I feel like dialogue is some of the hardest writing to organize correctly. I think you did a good job of doing this while still making it a fun conversation back and forth. Thanks for sharing!
Cody